Gadzooks the cost of free services

    Talk about, talk about, talk about, talk about tax… nice rhythm but not a very upbeat lyric. Although this blog and the related website www.OBriensliteraryspeculator.org, are not for profit ventures; and despite the fact that even if I sold 250 year long subscriptions and even if I could get the website to allow me in to update I still wouldn’t break even the city in Southern California where I have my pied a terre, discovered that I hadn’t paid enough of a fee for my business license.

Now I paid what they asked, but it turns out that they sent me a form that didn’t ask for enough. So I received a phone call from one of the many staff members at city hall. She asked me about the business and I told her.

“As it says on the form this is a hobby, so far we’ve sold eight PDF copies, (we’ve given away hundreds of the pdf’s of the Speculator), the real purpose of the magazine being to create a vehicle where unknown writers whose work doesn’t fit easily into any category or genre can have their work reviewed by a peer committee, selected for publication if it is good enough, go under the eyes of a professional editor, receive a very small honorarium for the effort and be published.” I said, “The reason for filing a fictitious business name was in the event that we inadvertently printed a work that infringed on the copyrights of another writer, we needed to be recognized as an entity capable of tendering a response.”

“So this is a service business?”

    “I guess we render a service, since I put in all the money, then with a small dedicated crew, right now it is very small indeed, donate all of the work for free, I would say ‘we serve.’ Not in the way that a licensed professional serves with the byproduct being a well deserved profit, but more in the way that Médicins Sans Frontières serves, with a well deserved feeling of helping in however, small a way an under-served community.”

    [Realize please, I know that le service tres petit que nous assurons is not worthy to be considered dirt under the feet of those in Médicins Sans Frontières. I do ask that you treat me with kindness, [or disregard me as a fool,] as I have attempted to treat those who submit their comments. Traitez-moi avec la bonté, [ou néligez-moi car un imbecile,] car j’ai essayé de traiter ceux qui soumettent leurs commentaires.]

    “What is your projected annual gross income?” she asked.

    “I expect I should lose in the neighborhood of some six thousand dollars.”

    “The minimum then is seventy dollars per year, plus you operated for the last quarter of 2007 so you owe us an additional sixty dollars.” she said, “Shall I send you a new invoice?”

    “No, thank you,” I said, “I’ll put a check in the mail tomorrow.”

    “Is there anything else I can help you with today?”

    “No, I’m good.” I said.

    We rang off and I thought to myself that was somewhat like being mugged and at the end of the transaction having the mugger ask if there was any other service I might like.

    “Excuse me sir, I’ve lightened your wallet a bit, care for a bloody nose, a broken rib perhaps?”

    ” I can not wait for the follow up call.

 

    “Excuse me sir, this may be taped for training purposes, or for quality assurance.

    “Is that a question?”

    “Did it sound like a question?”

    “No it sounded like a statement.”

    “Well since you know the difference you can thank a teacher.”

    “I will,” I said.

    “Thank you sir. Now yesterday you received one of the complimentary services provided by the city for businesses located here.”

    “Is that a question?” I asked again

    “Did it sound like a question?”

    “No it sounded like another statement.”

    “Well since you know the difference you can thank another teacher.”

    “Now then sir can we get on with this service follow up call?”

    “No, We can not.”

    “WHAT!”

    “That was an exclamatory phrase.”

    “Well, we’ve established your debt to the educational institutions…”

    “No, I was educated over two thousand miles from here, so I acknowledge no debt of any shape, kind or type to the educational system, and I am ready to get on with the service follow up call.”

    “Thank you, Was the service representative friendly?”

    “In a manner of speaking.”

    “Is that a yes, sir.”

    “Did it sound like a yes.” I asked ready to turn the tables.

    “It did sound to me like a yes and that’s what I will be writing on the form.

    “You say that, and this is being taped?”

    “Expository phrase, followed by a conjunction, and ended with a question. I said this may be taped, my answer just then was not taped.”

    “You’re a pain in my as.”

    “Now that was taped, sir.” Said a still beaming service representative

    “Then let’s suggest she was so friendly I had to be checked for an STD.”

    “Recorded again.”

    “Would you please ask your next question?”

    “Only if you agree to be polite, friendly and answer yes or no when appropriate.”

    “Yes to all.”

    “Then I think we are done with the exception of, “Would you recommend the city as a place to work, play and live?”

    I had to think hard about this one. “Yes to all,” I replied.

    “That was the most insincere agreement I’ve ever heard, it sounded like a lie in fact.”

    “You must have detected my accent I said as I hastily rang off, and left my house for a long walk, one that needed to last to at least five P. M.